Health Anxiety & Grief

I want to lay out the reason that I am writing this blog. On the 20th November 2019 my whole world came crashing down. We lost my beautiful Bampie.

Seamus Oates was never your typical man. He was Irish, strong, independent, tough but also loving, caring and a person who would do anything for you. He almost always had a suit on but was always smartly dressed and loved to sing country and dance a jive. During my childhood I always remember him being supportive to my nan who had Cancer. I was very close to my Nan and I don’t feel like he had a look in. I was always cwtched up to her. But I loved my Bamp dearly and as I got older he became my Dad and my biggest fan. We had the closest relationship and he was always my hero. When I was walking around the shops he would follow me, I’m guessing to see if I got lost. I never did, & this kept going (even up to age 29).  Every Hospital, Doctors or Dentist appointment he would be there for me. He knew how scared I was about them and it didn’t matter what it was he would sit there with me. Then afterwards he would cwtch me in to make sure that I was okay. After him passing this is one of the things that I have found most difficult to do without him. 

I spent a lot of my time with my Bampie. I saw him almost every day and not seeing him is hurting me. He would pick me up from work. We would go shopping together, he loved going to new places and to random shops. He would always have a ‘bag for life’ in one of his pockets! It’s these little things that I’m now struggling with. 

I had a phone call early Sunday 17th November Morning. He couldn’t breathe properly. I told him to phone an ambulance woke up my boyfriend and we went down Bampie’s. He couldn’t breathe and that was the scariest sight that I have or possibly will ever see. I sat next to him and gripped his hand. He was holding my hand tight and I could tell he was scared. What followed then was the 4 scariest panic filled days. I didn’t go with him in the ambulance to the hospital and I wish I had. My mum went but I just spent the day panicking about what was wrong with him. As a HA sufferer, the thoughts were a little more severe. Cancer, Lung disease and that he wasn’t going to live being at the forefront. But on the other side I never really believed he would go. He had come through worse things than this.

I didn’t go up to the Hospital till Tuesday when my mum rang me to tell me he was going into intensive care because they couldn’t get his breathing regulated. Another fact that is still on my mind today! Why didn’t I go up sooner? But again it comes back to the fact that I didn’t believe that he would be gone the next day. I was so scared to be in the hospital, to see him attached to all machines and wires and that thought took over. HA and hospitals do not mix well!! You start thinking about all the kinds of diseases you’re getting just being stood there. It can completely turn into a full blown panic and make you feel dissociated. Add that to the already increasing feelings of worry and you’ve got yourself a full Mental Health Cocktail! When I was up there, I saw all his tubes. He couldn’t speak properly because he had so many breathing tubes attached and he looked petrified. He was completely alert looking around the room at all the other patients who didn’t look like they had any life in them. I felt angry. Angry that he had to be in that room. He was well and clearly these nurses knew nothing.

I sat with him and we talked about my driving lesson and I told him I would be driving him around soon to pay back all the times he’s driven me places over the years and he laughed and picked up his St Christopher off his chest and showed the nurse! Clearly he was saying he may not be safe but he had that to protect him. Everyone was laughing. My boyfriend made a joke about being sat by his pee back and I held Bampies hand the whole time I was there. He wanted his watch on, he was never without it. So I put it on the hand that didn’t have all the needles in. He didn’t like it; it was on the wrong hand but I told him when he was a little better he could move it. He promised me at that moment that he would be out soon. I believed him, with all my heart. I really believed him.

Just before I left, I gave him a kiss. My boyfriend asked me if I wanted to stay with him and I thought that they wouldn’t let me so I didn’t. Why the hell didn’t I stay? That would have been an extra few hours with him. The worst thing about it all is that I can’t remember if I said I love you. I always told him so I more than likely did but I can’t remember and it’s horrible. What if I didn’t and he didn’t know? What if he felt like I didn’t?

The next day my mam was called to the Hospital. We were all worried but again we didn’t think anything would happen. The Dr’s said he had lung disease and they had never seen lungs like his. I then went and did what all those with HA are banned from doing, I Googled! It actually didn’t seem that bad (for the first time ever on google MD). It stated that people live for years with this. I felt a slight sigh of release, my Bampie is strong of course he will get through this. So that night because my uncle was going up the hospital, my Boyfriend and I went to Cardiff to see Freya Ridings. I was anxious but google had made me feel a little easier. We stopped in a pub and for some reason all my signal went. I didn’t notice for around an hour and when I did I connected to the WiFi. I had 3 missed calls off my mam and a message off my cousin to ask me to ring my mam.

I called her and my Uncle answered.

His words haunt my thoughts all the time ‘He’s gone’….

 I didn’t get to say goodbye.

I couldn’t really tell you what happened next, the next thing I remember is being at the hospital and hugging my mam. She gave me his necklace and said that he had asked her to give it to me as he was going. I’ve worn that necklace every day since. I then had to be strong my mam needed me and I had a funeral to plan. The next month went by like a flash. His funeral, everyone’s sorry for your loss head nods, Christmas, then going back to work.

I won’t lie, I’m really struggling. I keep thinking about him, about how he died, about how much I regret not being there. Having HA doesn’t help either. I’m thinking about death a lot. A lot more than I normally would. I can be lying in bed and the thoughts start. Sometimes its pictures. Like I could see my gravestone. Mostly its thoughts…What happens when you die? Will there be nothing? Will I see my Bampie and my Nanny? Then my chest gets tight and my breathing becomes heavy and It’s almost like I get stuck in my head. Like there’s someone there stopping me from getting out. I need air and I need it now.

I’m also struggling with him not being here. There’s so much that I would have done with him. Especially as it’s my 30th this year, he knew how much Birthdays meant to me especially this one. He would already be rolling his eyes at my countdown and I so badly want to share that with him. I want to go to B&M with him. Or I want to ring him up and go to MacArthur Glen or Spytty retail park because that’s what we always did. I have a very supportive network in my Mam, My Boyfriend and My Friends. But there’s only so much support they can give you before it starts to become repetitive. They may not feel that way but the thoughts that they do are enough. I think you get so much love up to the Funeral. People check in everyday, then after the funeral it gets less and less, till people almost forget. No one wants to hear about your grief 24/7 about how hard your finding living without him or how simple tasks have become hard. I think it’s hard for people who haven’t been through it, they don’t understand how one minute you’re okay and the next your heart feels like it’s been stolen from your chest . Imagine someone you see and love with all your heart was ripped out of your world and you had no choice but to be without them forever more. How would you feel?

So right now I feel in limbo. I don’t know how to be without him anymore. He was in my life every day and now he’s been taken. I’ve not only lost my bampie. I’ve lost my Dad. 

I miss you Bampie